new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
