Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
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