the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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