capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
being pregnant is like rehab
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
FUCK WHALES
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
