I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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