My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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