There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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