That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
