my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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