there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
