I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
