And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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