I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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