I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
