the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
And then my night got REAL pukey
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
