So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
