Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Randomize
