I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
