she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
