Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
