I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize