I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
