His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
