textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
