My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
