i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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