so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
