sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
