I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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