I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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