I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
