Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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