Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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