I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I have tasted many bathrooms
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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