I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
