At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
