My friends, they love my intelligence
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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