just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
