and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
