we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
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Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
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Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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