yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
