my vag is so smooth its legendary
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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