I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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