Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
