Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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