I met the friendliest cop last night
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
