you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
