Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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