Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
