I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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