woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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