i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
