Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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