My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
