i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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