Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I AM VODKA MAN
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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