i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
