how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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