Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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